Andrew Russell

Asperger prison


I am an example of evolution; evidence of change and difference in the process of life. I am an Autist and identify as Asperger. I thought for a long time in my ignorance that most people should think like me: the truth is that most can’t think like me. I am not like them because evolution doesn’t want me to be. I am an as yet unfinished species that evolution is still playing with.

This is why I am an outcast to the great herd that I was told for a long time I had to be part of, because evolution has treated them differently and I can’t be part of what they are. Evolution has finished its work with them.

So I am a leper in the eyes of the herd and a creature to be oppressed, opposed, ignored, abused, used and rejected. They have said as much in their words and by their deeds. They see me as not the same species, because evolution has made a noticeable difference.

I cannot follow the herd because the herd marches with no interest in the things going on around it. I cannot conform to two dimensional demands or ideals. I can only conform to logical intent and productive endeavour. The herd wishes to stay the same and invest nothing additionally outside of being self serving. The herd are only interested in the flavour of the day which will be the same flavour every day. My mind can’t be satisfied with superficial things that hold the herd fixed and enthralled. The herd appear to delight in ignorance yet I derive enormous satisfaction and encouragement the more I learn. Where they fear facts, I am comforted by them. I want to hear about what facts and finds other discoverers have found. Social convention only offers limited viewpoints with limited outcomes as more information is too much information. The herd only hear, see and learn what will make them King or Queen for the day in their politicised universe that mostly leaves no lingering benefit for anyone else. The more I learn, the more it will help lessen the burden for someone like me in the future. This is what someone like me has done for me in the past.

The herd have no real grasp of friendship. To them, friendship is a competition of accumulated numbers, not an exercise of loyalty and trust; of obligation and mutual respect and support. In the herd a real friendship is impossible as so many hair trigger affronts exist in the most infantile of minutia, that the slightest misstep in their game of status enhancement will mean game over before it can begin. Small talk is the currency of any gathering and anything of substance is unwelcome. In the herd you are elevated in stature by the numbers you can assimilate instead of the quality you offer in friendship: little else seems considered. An Autist is mindful of the entity they engage and careful in the interactions this will expect. Integrity is the most valued offering one can give. When an Autist offers friendship it is for the most honourable and innocent of reasons. When the herd offers friendship it is usually conditional, depending on one’s transient use on the day, with length of time only limited to how much use they can get out of you with no reciprocal benefits applied. One should be grateful they spoke to you at all.

I can only have a small number of friends as the emotional investment has to be complete and expansive and history has proven to me that most people will take all you have to give with no comprehension of mutual exchange or equivalency of care. I am still always open, as most of our kind are, but I now reserve my deeper self for those with the will to strive for the same levels of investment of purpose. I would rather give my all to one worthy individual, than assist a thousand who could care less as the mood takes them no matter what my efforts on their behalf.

I am still the child I was when I was a child: I just have the benefit and agony of adult experience. I am curious about most things as most normal children are. I have yet to control my imagination as requested and I now find that I don’t want to. My imagination is something that evolution has gifted me with and nature knows best.

I am not a herd animal by nature and can comfortably trek through life on my own, but I do not like being alone. The herd coalesce by dint of mass alone and can disintegrate at any time because the bonds that hold them together are tenuous and feeble. Those like me come together when looking for better ways and pursuing worthy goals, not for unworthy convenience. I can trust those like me because they know I can be trusted and don’t use it against me or to their advantage. I hold to a group that are Autist because there is loyalty to the group instead of popularist membership. My greatest joy is that nature has gifted me with others like me and that I am not alone. It took many years to understand that under the grey cloak that the herd spread over me. Now I am part of something far more safe and comfortable than the herd could ever have offered. I am here as part of a mosaic of explorers and teachers, of artists and builders and the many others whom evolution still thinks are worthy to play with. I walk amongst the giants of whom we all stand on the shoulders of.

I feel sorry for the herd.

Andrew Russell

30 September 2018